By: Jay
From the Mailbox an inquiring young mind asks: “Jay, your analyses
rock my socks off. But my issues stem from not getting any attention
from babes. You seem to have that aspect of healthy living down to a
damn science – could you divulge your secrets?” -Saeed Salami
Great question, and yes, you’re correct in your analysis of
JaysAnalysis and the deep well of wisdom found herein. A science it is!
While I can’t spill all the beans on how to maximize on all aspects of
vaginology, I can offer a variety of tips on the Venusian Arts. These
tried and true methods are time-tested and heavily science-based, so don
your lab coat (but unbutton those top two buttons), get out your Lisa
Frank notepad, and take notes.
Remember
the Flair Principle: Ask yourself – “Do I look like a greasy spray-gay
cocoon-emergent butterfly?” If the answer is yes, you’re good. What
would Ric Flair Do? WOOOOOO!
1. Fist and foremost, the number one tip to remember is
being fancy.
Chicks love fancy, so adorning yourself with all possible
accouterments of fancy is the best way to establish your game. While
some may recommend classic styles of smoking jackets, my preferred style
is based around the bathrobe. Bathrobes of fine silks, laced fringe
and ornate designs suggest you are an exotic adventurer who doesn’t take
“yes” for an answer. Perhaps you just returned from a Persian safari,
or brokered an oil deal with an Arab Sheikh; in either case, glorious
robes doused in fumes of Frankincense, myrrh and Hugo Boss arouse the
female nostril tendrils. Science in our day has proven the potent power
of feralmoans and their magical ability to entrance your prey into
doing basically anything you want. The important factor to keep in mind
is to be sure to use all three scents at once in abundance, as well as a
dose of Drakkar Noir. There is no limit to the nuclear potential of
mastering the combination of fancy silken bathrobes and volatile,
combustible sex fumes. Simply dazzle!
“Extend your mind, extend your locks.” -Confucius
2. Now that you’ve puffed and powdered that bodily exterior, you’ve likely missed the next most important factor -
hair.
Hair is an ancient growth that scientists now know evolved to give
humans the ability to look cool. Primal man was not able to preen and
look cool, so evolution stepped in and said, “Dude, some chicks dig
bald, but you can get much further with gel, mousse and/or a flat top.”
However, all of this is dated advice from hack advice columnists. The
real secret to maximizing the potential of hair is to build on step 1 –
fancy hair.
You probably mistakenly think I mean shaving lines, zigzags or your
name on your head (all of which are great ideas), but for this secret,
I’m reaching back to an afrodeziack known by 18th century magistrates,
the powdered wig.
The powdered wig conveys the idea of power in a way the toupee never
could: It seems to scream from the bench, “Give me what I want, date, or
off with your head!” Power is always at play in relationship dynamics,
and with the threat of being placed in the stocks looming in your
chick’s mind, you’ll not only be wearing the pants, but the fancy robe
and headpiece, too! The basic rule here is the more, the better – there
should be a sexy, smokey lock landslide. (Side note: carrying a gavel is
optional).
Nothing says sophistication like the German classic, “Kenny.”
3. Choosing
the right date movie. Common wisdom in
this arena is far from the truth, as most newbies choose a horror flick
thinking fear will somehow bring about the desired reaction. On the
contrary, films about people with disabilities have the best
psychological effect on females. The reasoning here is simple – when a
girl sees how bad off some other unfortunate bastard is, the more
awesomer you are. I call it the principle of
retarded ratios. No ordinary disability tear-jerker like
Radio or
Rain Man
will achieve the desired effect, either. You need really, really
bizarre disabilities to make you, the average joe look really, really
badass for merely being
able to walk or go potty. I recommend the classic foreign film (bonus points for “foreign” sophistication!)
Kenny.
Kenny is a delectable disability downer about a boy who has no torso.
After two hours of this tear-jerker, your babe will finally appreciate
that you
even have a lower half! Forget lame date games like Dustin Hoffman’s speed toothpick tabulating, with
Kenny in que, you’ll be counting your score in other ways.
Try seducing her with a fun activity!
4.
Pickup Lines. The line is a classic, but with
advances in science like dating apps, the line has skyrocketed to a new
level of importance. Mastering
the line is your golden Wonka
ticket to Willy Wonderland. Don’t google pickup lines, make up your
own! Chicks will appreciate your creativity and wordsmithery skills –
allow me to share some of my “golden” examples of ice breakers sure to
warm that ice queen. The principle to keep in mind here is to boldly
display honesty, sincerity, sadness and creeper factor (major turn ons):
Is your mom single?
Ready to curl up with a box of wine and a pack of Virginia slims and watch The View?
Are you coming home tonight? Dinner is ready.
Just got my welfare check. Which dollar menu item would you like on our date?
I talked to my psychic today and Miss Cleo said we must go out.
Mom says if I get my first date I might be able to move out of her basement. Could you help me out?
23rd level chaotic evil archmage seeks frivolous wench or skilled Elven queen to embark on new quest.
Did you fall from heaven? Cuz you’re hot from entering the atmosphere at such a rapid velocity.
Well endowed janitor seeking a mess to clean up
Booked with comic conventions all week. Free next weekend. Do you like sex?
I’ll cook breakfast. Boost or ensure?
Sharpest Knife Collector in the Tri-County.
Girls usually describe me as more of a Picard than a Kirk
Words cannot express how lonely I am. Can we meet now?
I cried last night for you.
What are your thoughts on UFOs?
How can I write you a poem if you won’t TELL me anything about you!
Do you like to pull things apart like I do?
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